You ever have one of those days when you wake up and say, screw being single? Well I've had about ten of those back to back. I'm not too worried though. I know my personality tends to go into spells desiring a special some one to share time with, but it got me thinking. Why do I go through these stages? Is it normal? Am I just being dumb? Do I want a girl for the right or wrong reasons? Why can I never ask just one question at a time?
Sadly, I don't know the answer to any of these questions really. I've become very adept at lying to myself or at least confusing myself to the point I can't find the real answer. I'll try to break the important questions down for myself and hopefully will help some one out there having the same problem.
Why do I go through these stages of longing for female companionship? I've racked my brain many times and come up with many different answers. I strongly believe the desire to want to share your life with another human being is completly normal, but why do I get these compulsions for that desire more so than other times? Lonliness seems to be the cause. It's been months since my last relationship and since then I haven't had the same kind of confidant I did while as part of a great relationship (which it was a great relationship). I remember distinctly saying to myself before my last relationship," Tom, you're fnally at a place where you don't need a girlfriend to make you happy." I know I'm still at that place right now. I have all I want and need. I have growing friendships, and expanding mind, and the new found ability to be happy with myself. I have everything I need to maintain some kind of sanity and yet here I am sitting at my laptop committing my thoughs to digital paper so they no longer drive me crazy.
I sometimes wonder if I'm desiring a girl for the right reasons or not. Not for the wrong wrong reasons that popped into everyone's head just now, but I sometimes worry if i am looking for a girl so I can use her as a crutch to deal with my own mental fallacies. Lord knows i have done it more than once in the past and put unneeded strain on more than one relationship, but now i wonder. I am happy with me. I know I have enough going for me to at least be content in my being and who I am. Am I emotionally stronger now than I used to be. can I stand on my own and not depend upon others to rescue me from drowning in my own (occasional) self pity? I really believe i am. I believe I am to a point now where I just want to share myself with another person in a way you can't with a friend. Again not on that physical level but on the emotional level that only two people in a reltaionship can. To clarify, no I don't think I could sound anymore dramatic than I do right now.
On an unrelated note, if i ever needed proof of god's pressence (presence?) I got it today. For the past few weeks I have been reading the bible on a far more regular basis. My goal is to read it cover to cover while highlighting the verses that stick out as important to me. My intention is, even if I only grow slightly in my faith I will have the words of God to help my friends when they need it. Less than two weeks since I started doing this ( I'm only in Matthew, old english slows me down) today a friend of mine revealed a problem they had been having. They just recently seperated from the signifigant other and were having a very hard time to deal with this. I do not find it coincidence I had read verses this day relatable to this person plight. It was the first time I felt like I was just helping someone out, but was doing what god wanted me to do.
For so long I dealt with so much pain and carried it so close to my heart. i always felt better when I could take that pain and help my friends with their problems relating it back to experiences that I had. Now I feel as if god has blessed me with a nother tool to help people with their problems, His Words. I really feel like helping people in this way was what I was meant to do.
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