The Definition of Pointless

Pointless- Lacking point, direction, or meaning. Also known as
This Blog
Insomnia is a cruel, cruel mistress. My body aches, my mind is weary, and I desire sleep. Sadly, no sleep comes for me tonight. Nay! I will jot my thoughts down to paper (or in this case key board) in hopes of quelling the beast of racing thoughts within my mind!

You ever have a lot on your mind, but it’s all going so fast you can’t really get a single point to sit still long enough to focus on it. I’m like that right now. It’s almost like my attention is a narrow doorway and all the thoughts are trying to cram their way through this doorway. Since there is only so much room, they can’t make it through because they get stuck against each other and the door way. Now I’m forced to sit here and stare at this mass of idiocy struggling to get free because on the other side of this doorway is the precious sleep I desire.

So, what I’m gonna do is pull each of these little fellows blocking the door out and deal with them so I can get through. I’ll start with this nagging little fellow in the corner. What’s your name buddy? Motivation? I feel like I used to know you. That’s right you and I were best friends when I first came to college. Man you helped me get my apartment set up, introduced me to a few new people, got me working out regularly , and started helping me kick butt in school. What a shame we stopped talking. You were pretty cool. Tell you what. You give me a call in the morning and we’ll see if we can’t catch up on all the time we missed lately.

Ok now how about this little guy, Self obsession. Man you and I have always been tight. Remember when I was little and you used to fill my head with all these crazy thoughts about being a super hero and thinking I was so cool when I was really an overweight nerdy eighth grader. Man I don’t know why we ever stopped spending time together. I remember in high school when you had me convinced I was having problems no one else had and almost got me to do some really dumb things. Luckily, we made it through and now you can carry me along in conversations. Let’s face it, self absorption is funny enough to get me a few laughs. Just don’t try any of that whacky stuff you did back in the day.

Oh man, it’s depression. Uh, how’s it going pal. Long time no talk? Yeah I’ve been busy. Me and happiness have been chillin pretty regularly. What? Oh no, I didn’t mean to upset you. Stop crying. You know nothing will ever change the time we spent together. They were some pretty miserable times. Dry those beady little eyes of yours. I mean we’ve hung out some from time to time since I’ve been up here. Remember those few days You, Me, and loneliness spent hulled up in my room talking about all sorts of things like how terrible of a person I was. Let’s face it buddy, you and I are going to be together my whole life. I’m gonna have to learn to deal with you and you’re gonna have to face facts… I’m pretty content right now. We can’t hang out like we used to. Sorry buddy.

Self doubt is that you? I thought you were with depression. Why are …. No I don’t think I’m ugly now. No, I don’t think I’m fat, but could stand to lose a few pounds. Yes my friend’s are still enjoying my company. Could you be quiet for a bit. I mean you just keep telling me the same things over and over again. Like it was fine for a while but come on, get a new bit or something…. No I don’t think I’m going to drop out of college and get a job as a street performer! That is completely unrealistic! But good job on trying though.

Oh hey there geekdom! Yeah Sorry about the whole not getting time to show you off lately. It’s been hectic man. Don’t worry, you know we are going to be tight for the rest of my natural born life. My love for comic books lives and dies by you man. And as much as I love comics, you are going to be with me for ever.

Now let me pick these little things up here. There’s my love of rap music. What’s up G? Oh over there my love of poetry. Not looking forward to spending and entire class with you. Sense of humor. You’re so weird man. Hey there diet, still haven’t stuck to you yet. Oh there you are English essay. Promise I’ll get to work on you tomorrow.

Now I just need to roll this huge critter out of the way. Which on is this? Oh it’s my desire for a girlfriend. No don’t say anything. I’m not in the mood. I said hush. I wrote an entire blog about you the other day. That’s enough. No, I don’t want to talk about it right now. I’m fine, I just want to sleep. Ugh you are so pointlessly annoying. Just get! Go on I said move it!

Ugh! That was not a lot of fun. I have more fun on the john. At least then I feel like I accomplished something. I mean really What was the point of all this again? Was there one? Oh hey there Happiness. Haven’t seen you in a while. What? Why Yes I’d love to go to sleep. Thank you so much.

A Woman! My Kingdom For A Woman!

You ever have one of those days when you wake up and say, screw being single? Well I've had about ten of those back to back. I'm not too worried though. I know my personality tends to go into spells desiring a special some one to share time with, but it got me thinking. Why do I go through these stages? Is it normal? Am I just being dumb? Do I want a girl for the right or wrong reasons? Why can I never ask just one question at a time?

Sadly, I don't know the answer to any of these questions really. I've become very adept at lying to myself or at least confusing myself to the point I can't find the real answer. I'll try to break the important questions down for myself and hopefully will help some one out there having the same problem.

Why do I go through these stages of longing for female companionship? I've racked my brain many times and come up with many different answers. I strongly believe the desire to want to share your life with another human being is completly normal, but why do I get these compulsions for that desire more so than other times? Lonliness seems to be the cause. It's been months since my last relationship and since then I haven't had the same kind of confidant I did while as part of a great relationship (which it was a great relationship). I remember distinctly saying to myself before my last relationship," Tom, you're fnally at a place where you don't need a girlfriend to make you happy." I know I'm still at that place right now. I have all I want and need. I have growing friendships, and expanding mind, and the new found ability to be happy with myself. I have everything I need to maintain some kind of sanity and yet here I am sitting at my laptop committing my thoughs to digital paper so they no longer drive me crazy.

I sometimes wonder if I'm desiring a girl for the right reasons or not. Not for the wrong wrong reasons that popped into everyone's head just now, but I sometimes worry if i am looking for a girl so I can use her as a crutch to deal with my own mental fallacies. Lord knows i have done it more than once in the past and put unneeded strain on more than one relationship, but now i wonder. I am happy with me. I know I have enough going for me to at least be content in my being and who I am. Am I emotionally stronger now than I used to be. can I stand on my own and not depend upon others to rescue me from drowning in my own (occasional) self pity? I really believe i am. I believe I am to a point now where I just want to share myself with another person in a way you can't with a friend. Again not on that physical level but on the emotional level that only two people in a reltaionship can. To clarify, no I don't think I could sound anymore dramatic than I do right now.

On an unrelated note, if i ever needed proof of god's pressence (presence?) I got it today. For the past few weeks I have been reading the bible on a far more regular basis. My goal is to read it cover to cover while highlighting the verses that stick out as important to me. My intention is, even if I only grow slightly in my faith I will have the words of God to help my friends when they need it. Less than two weeks since I started doing this ( I'm only in Matthew, old english slows me down) today a friend of mine revealed a problem they had been having. They just recently seperated from the signifigant other and were having a very hard time to deal with this. I do not find it coincidence I had read verses this day relatable to this person plight. It was the first time I felt like I was just helping someone out, but was doing what god wanted me to do.

For so long I dealt with so much pain and carried it so close to my heart. i always felt better when I could take that pain and help my friends with their problems relating it back to experiences that I had. Now I feel as if god has blessed me with a nother tool to help people with their problems, His Words. I really feel like helping people in this way was what I was meant to do.

Happiness? You're Joking

A few months ago I went through a period in time most find stressful, some find relieving, and all find enlightening. I moved out of my parents' house and into my own apartment with two of my closest childhood friends. Not only that, but I am now enrolling fulltime (by definition) at MTSU.

I want to say, for the sake of my parents continuing affection, that this was a difficult transition. In actuality, I dove into it like some kind of trained seal... let's change that to dolphin. They're smarter. Everything about this new life of mine is suited to my liking. I have my friends a ten second walk away, my own room complete with door and walls, and my laptop. Looking at it like this, I probably sound like a very simple person.

The truth is, I battled for a very long time with depression. Not the "disease" but the actual emotion of being sad frequently. I constantly felt isolated, left behind, not part of a group, stressed for no reason and , above all things, lonely. Ever since my first year of high school, I felt an overwhelming sense of being misplaced. I didn't belong. Certain people excell in their high school years, I was not one of them. I can't imagine why. I know I'm funny, intelligent, and pretty easy on the eyes. I just never felt like high school was for me.

This problem became the center of much turmoil for me. Couple my mental alienation with my parents constant arguing, a brother I can't relate to and a history of high school drop outs running through my family and I came close to doing something not only stupid but terrible also.
I remember the night. I was a sophomore, I was home alone sitting in a dark kitchen by myself. The only light in the room came from the street lamps outside the window reflecting off the knife I held in my hands. I went as far as holding the blade to my wrists. i wanted to kill myself. I can't explain to you how I talked myself out of it, but I just dropped the knife and forgot the whole mess.

Without trying to get sappy on everyone here, dropping that knife might still be the greatest highlight of my short life. From that night on, my life started to change. It was very gradual at first. I started expanding a friendship I had already had for most of my natural born life in my friend Patrick. I heard a girl say one time how weird it is to hear a boy say the words ,"My Best Friend," But I know who my best friend is. The list of people I have shared so much of my life with is so short it can't ride most roller coaster rides, but Patrick is the one human being who helped me through high school more than any other human being in my life. I owe so much of my life to that man and the greatest part is, I'll never have to say thank you for it. Just," Stop being right all the time."

Another human being i owe most of myself to is William. No matter what other people say about him, no matter what kind of idiotic things I get myself caught in, I know I can talk to him about anything at anytime of the day. I will always have his back like i know he will always have mine. After all you can't stop The Bomb and The Reason.

This brings me to Jesse. I have known jesse longer than anyone who doesn't share my last name. He was my first real friend, and is still one of the best, brightest, and amazing human beings I have ever met before in my lifetime. He is someone everyone wants to be friends with, because no matter what kind of day you're having, he makes it better. 12 years and counting.

My life isn't perfect right now. It's far from it, but it is as close as it's ever been. If i could go back to that sad little high school sophomore and tell him how everything works out in the end I would. Knowing myself I already know my reply
" You mean you found happiness? You're Joking."