Symbolism

I spend way too much time analyzing my own quirky little habits. Be it my thought process, my ways of coping with angst, or just general everyday actions, I am always looking at myself from every possible angle. Tonight was no different.

I found myself a victim of that terrible little sadness bug named “loneliness.” I want to reiterate how much I love my friends and how much I appreciate each and everyone of them. My loneliness doesn’t stem from them. It stems from my issues with being single. I don’t know if it is simply the thought of going back to school with no girl on my arm, the constant bombardment I get everyday from friends and strangers on the street, seeing them with their significant other, or simply one of those “moods” I tend to get in. I do know one thing. I know I would do just short of anything to watch a movie or fall asleep holding a girl I care about deeply. I would do just short of anything to get a phone call from a girl I care about just saying hey. I literally find myself thinking these things over and over everyday now. It’s like my mind is in constant overdrive to find a girl I genuinely want to be with.

Then the disappointment sat in. I realized there was no girl I felt that way for (none that I knew anyway). I had put myself in a race with no direction or finish line. I had been burning myself out for a girl I have yet to meet. My mind raced, I went from thinking about how I have yet to meet this girl to thinking I might have met her and just don’t realize it. Then, I will never meet her or I will meet her but I will ruin it. Then, why do I think of these things when I know in the end it doesn’t matter. Then, no girl wants a guy like me. Then, I need to better myself. So on, so on, so on. In moments I found myself on the verge of a panic attack. I had trouble breathing, couldn’t focus my attention, I was (for lack of a better term) freaking out.

So I solved the problem the same way I always do.

I went for a drive.

It is here where I made progress in figuring myself out, because in the end, if you don’t know you, then who does? I thought of how other people cope with their problems. How other people act and ways their actions defines their personality. That’s when I turned it on myself. Here I was, driving around Murfreesboro at ten thirty in the evening with no destination. No Direction, no finish line. This isn’t new for me either. I always go driving when I get overwhelmed or depressed. I couldn’t figure out why I had that urge until tonight.

I was escaping. I was running away. I was separating myself. It made much more sense now. I had a problem I couldn’t find the answer to. It consumed me. Instead of trying to fix it, I ran from it. Not in a physical sense, but a symbolic sense. Driving takes at least a small part of my focus. With this focus on driving, it can’t be on my problems. I was escaping my thoughts by busying myself. Idle hands are the devil. It made sense along with everything else. I day dream all day because I don’t like the way I am, be it looks actions or other critical critiques. I read stories about superhuman people doing extraordinary things, because I never could. I get in a car to distract myself from thinking about my problems. I escape. It’s what I do. It’s how I cope. It’s a habit I need to break.

My name is Tom
I am no extraordinary
I am barely ordinary
I am my own worst critic
I am lonely
I fear I will always be this way
I ran from my problems tonight
I run from my problems everyday
But tonight, I am committing them to paper
I’m Back

I do not believe in the idea of a “New Year’s Resolution.” It has always seemed cliché, and over dramatic to me. How ever the convenience or the time, and my promise will force me to dub what I started tonight as a New Year’s Resolution. Here’s hoping I actually stick to it.
Special thanks to the person who forced me to talk about it and get my mind moving.
I love you all
-Tom