I realized I spend a lot of time complaining about my problems and trying to solve them, but few remarking on the great qualities of my life. Simple things, little things, complicated things, HUGE things, that make life worth getting up for in the morning. My friends and family, my health, my many blessings that I seem to over look regularly. Everything important to me that I tend to over look on a regular basis.
Some of you know might know I give out a lot of advice to people who ask me for it (and some who don’t). I joke like it is a burden to me, but it is really what makes me love life. The simplest act of a friend confiding in me or coming to me jus to talk about problems not only does things for my ego (which is massive by the way) but also gives me a sense of purpose and meaning. After every tearful conversation, after every deeply personal talk, after every secret shared, I honestly feel like I am doing what God wants me to do. I feel like I have done the one thing I was put on earth to do. Don’t worry, there is a point to all this rambling about purpose and God.
More than once, I’ve had someone coming to me saying something to this effect.
“ I know I would be happy, if only I could find…”
Now I’ve gotten a lot of different things after the word “find”. The thing some one needs could be anything from A boy, a girl, a stable job, a caring friend, purpose, goals, anything. Overtime I’ve come up with different answers for their conundrum, but it usually comes out as what I’m starting to call “ The Work of Art” speech.
Picture a man in a beautiful a painting, the most gorgeous painting you can think of. Now, no matter how beautiful that painting is, the man in it will never appreciate it to its fullest. Why? Because he can’t see it from the perspective we can. He is incapable of taking a step back and looking at the painting in a different light. If that man could, he would see everything he thought his life was missing was just around the corner, above his head, right next to him. The same goes for everyone of us. How many times have you ever been just one thing away from being happy? I know I’ve been one girl friend away from being happy for months now. That’s because I’m just like that man in the painting. I am letting the details of my life that can make me happy, pass me by because I can’t step back to see all the things that should make me happy. When you spend all your time looking for that one thing to make you happy, you let all the other things that could do the same just pass you by. Fortunately, both you and I are capable of taking that step back and seeing our lives for what they really are, A work of art.
I can’t really explain what encouraged me to write this blog in any way other than the way it makes sense to me. I feel like God told me to. Maybe it won’t help anyone else, but I can already tell it will help me, because I’m not gonna turn a deaf ear to my own advice anymore. Time to practice what I preach. Time to take a step back and look at my life and what makes it great.
My Friends who would do anything for me. My Mother who is the most supportive and beautiful woman I have ever known. My Father who has taught me more than he will ever really know. My little Brother, who finally opened up to me and spoke to me like a friend, not an older brother. My ability to put my thoughts down on paper, which has probably saved my life more times than I bother to count. God, who has guided me through this life so subtly, I sometimes even wonder if it was his hand pushing me in my direction.
God is great.
Say it with me now
God
Is
Great
And He has gifted me with my own personal work of art
Good night
I Love You all
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
Symbolism
I spend way too much time analyzing my own quirky little habits. Be it my thought process, my ways of coping with angst, or just general everyday actions, I am always looking at myself from every possible angle. Tonight was no different.
I found myself a victim of that terrible little sadness bug named “loneliness.” I want to reiterate how much I love my friends and how much I appreciate each and everyone of them. My loneliness doesn’t stem from them. It stems from my issues with being single. I don’t know if it is simply the thought of going back to school with no girl on my arm, the constant bombardment I get everyday from friends and strangers on the street, seeing them with their significant other, or simply one of those “moods” I tend to get in. I do know one thing. I know I would do just short of anything to watch a movie or fall asleep holding a girl I care about deeply. I would do just short of anything to get a phone call from a girl I care about just saying hey. I literally find myself thinking these things over and over everyday now. It’s like my mind is in constant overdrive to find a girl I genuinely want to be with.
Then the disappointment sat in. I realized there was no girl I felt that way for (none that I knew anyway). I had put myself in a race with no direction or finish line. I had been burning myself out for a girl I have yet to meet. My mind raced, I went from thinking about how I have yet to meet this girl to thinking I might have met her and just don’t realize it. Then, I will never meet her or I will meet her but I will ruin it. Then, why do I think of these things when I know in the end it doesn’t matter. Then, no girl wants a guy like me. Then, I need to better myself. So on, so on, so on. In moments I found myself on the verge of a panic attack. I had trouble breathing, couldn’t focus my attention, I was (for lack of a better term) freaking out.
So I solved the problem the same way I always do.
I went for a drive.
It is here where I made progress in figuring myself out, because in the end, if you don’t know you, then who does? I thought of how other people cope with their problems. How other people act and ways their actions defines their personality. That’s when I turned it on myself. Here I was, driving around Murfreesboro at ten thirty in the evening with no destination. No Direction, no finish line. This isn’t new for me either. I always go driving when I get overwhelmed or depressed. I couldn’t figure out why I had that urge until tonight.
I was escaping. I was running away. I was separating myself. It made much more sense now. I had a problem I couldn’t find the answer to. It consumed me. Instead of trying to fix it, I ran from it. Not in a physical sense, but a symbolic sense. Driving takes at least a small part of my focus. With this focus on driving, it can’t be on my problems. I was escaping my thoughts by busying myself. Idle hands are the devil. It made sense along with everything else. I day dream all day because I don’t like the way I am, be it looks actions or other critical critiques. I read stories about superhuman people doing extraordinary things, because I never could. I get in a car to distract myself from thinking about my problems. I escape. It’s what I do. It’s how I cope. It’s a habit I need to break.
My name is Tom
I am no extraordinary
I am barely ordinary
I am my own worst critic
I am lonely
I fear I will always be this way
I ran from my problems tonight
I run from my problems everyday
But tonight, I am committing them to paper
I’m Back
I do not believe in the idea of a “New Year’s Resolution.” It has always seemed cliché, and over dramatic to me. How ever the convenience or the time, and my promise will force me to dub what I started tonight as a New Year’s Resolution. Here’s hoping I actually stick to it.
Special thanks to the person who forced me to talk about it and get my mind moving.
I love you all
-Tom
I found myself a victim of that terrible little sadness bug named “loneliness.” I want to reiterate how much I love my friends and how much I appreciate each and everyone of them. My loneliness doesn’t stem from them. It stems from my issues with being single. I don’t know if it is simply the thought of going back to school with no girl on my arm, the constant bombardment I get everyday from friends and strangers on the street, seeing them with their significant other, or simply one of those “moods” I tend to get in. I do know one thing. I know I would do just short of anything to watch a movie or fall asleep holding a girl I care about deeply. I would do just short of anything to get a phone call from a girl I care about just saying hey. I literally find myself thinking these things over and over everyday now. It’s like my mind is in constant overdrive to find a girl I genuinely want to be with.
Then the disappointment sat in. I realized there was no girl I felt that way for (none that I knew anyway). I had put myself in a race with no direction or finish line. I had been burning myself out for a girl I have yet to meet. My mind raced, I went from thinking about how I have yet to meet this girl to thinking I might have met her and just don’t realize it. Then, I will never meet her or I will meet her but I will ruin it. Then, why do I think of these things when I know in the end it doesn’t matter. Then, no girl wants a guy like me. Then, I need to better myself. So on, so on, so on. In moments I found myself on the verge of a panic attack. I had trouble breathing, couldn’t focus my attention, I was (for lack of a better term) freaking out.
So I solved the problem the same way I always do.
I went for a drive.
It is here where I made progress in figuring myself out, because in the end, if you don’t know you, then who does? I thought of how other people cope with their problems. How other people act and ways their actions defines their personality. That’s when I turned it on myself. Here I was, driving around Murfreesboro at ten thirty in the evening with no destination. No Direction, no finish line. This isn’t new for me either. I always go driving when I get overwhelmed or depressed. I couldn’t figure out why I had that urge until tonight.
I was escaping. I was running away. I was separating myself. It made much more sense now. I had a problem I couldn’t find the answer to. It consumed me. Instead of trying to fix it, I ran from it. Not in a physical sense, but a symbolic sense. Driving takes at least a small part of my focus. With this focus on driving, it can’t be on my problems. I was escaping my thoughts by busying myself. Idle hands are the devil. It made sense along with everything else. I day dream all day because I don’t like the way I am, be it looks actions or other critical critiques. I read stories about superhuman people doing extraordinary things, because I never could. I get in a car to distract myself from thinking about my problems. I escape. It’s what I do. It’s how I cope. It’s a habit I need to break.
My name is Tom
I am no extraordinary
I am barely ordinary
I am my own worst critic
I am lonely
I fear I will always be this way
I ran from my problems tonight
I run from my problems everyday
But tonight, I am committing them to paper
I’m Back
I do not believe in the idea of a “New Year’s Resolution.” It has always seemed cliché, and over dramatic to me. How ever the convenience or the time, and my promise will force me to dub what I started tonight as a New Year’s Resolution. Here’s hoping I actually stick to it.
Special thanks to the person who forced me to talk about it and get my mind moving.
I love you all
-Tom
Sunday, January 6, 2008
Life Either Goes On or It Doesn't
What Dreams May Come
If you have never seen that movie or read that novel, do yourself an immediate favor and get to watching and reading. Every single time I watch that movie, it seems to be more and more powerful than it was the last time I watched it. I really can’t put into words how vividly that story makes me feel just genuine sorrow happiness. I am usually pretty good at putting things into words… not about that. Just see it and then you’ll see what I mean.
On the topic of emotions, I have just been bombarded by some of the most powerful stories I have ever heard before. One being What Dreams May Come. The others rest in my all time favorite song, Red Hands by The Dear Hunter and A recent story I read called One More Day.
Red Hands is all about love. Every single kind of love you can imagine. The head over heels love, the lost love, the cheating love, the vengeful love, and the lead singer of The Dear Hunter just makes you feel every single note and word with the way he sings. I highly advise anyone who digs music, soulful lyrics, or sounds to hear this song.
One More Day is a story about a man having to give up the love of his life so he can right a wrong that weighs so heavily on his conscience he fails to really realize he is giving up the greatest love he will ever get to know. Ever page and word by the characters is hear wrenching and I found myself literally depressed al day after reading the story. It is just the most tragic thing I have ever read before in life.
I think I can blame these three things for my recent uproar of emotion I have felt lately. I’ve been the in the desperately lonely stage for far too long and it’s getting annoying. I try not to think about it, but it’s just constantly playing over and over in my head like an Akon Record from hell.
I’m so Lonely, I have nobody….
But every time I start to falter on my sanity, somehow my friends manage to bring me back from the brink of complete and utter psychosis. I value them more than I will probably ever be able to tell them. Besides The way I see it, I got a choice. Life either goes on or it doesn’t. It’s up to me.
If you have never seen that movie or read that novel, do yourself an immediate favor and get to watching and reading. Every single time I watch that movie, it seems to be more and more powerful than it was the last time I watched it. I really can’t put into words how vividly that story makes me feel just genuine sorrow happiness. I am usually pretty good at putting things into words… not about that. Just see it and then you’ll see what I mean.
On the topic of emotions, I have just been bombarded by some of the most powerful stories I have ever heard before. One being What Dreams May Come. The others rest in my all time favorite song, Red Hands by The Dear Hunter and A recent story I read called One More Day.
Red Hands is all about love. Every single kind of love you can imagine. The head over heels love, the lost love, the cheating love, the vengeful love, and the lead singer of The Dear Hunter just makes you feel every single note and word with the way he sings. I highly advise anyone who digs music, soulful lyrics, or sounds to hear this song.
One More Day is a story about a man having to give up the love of his life so he can right a wrong that weighs so heavily on his conscience he fails to really realize he is giving up the greatest love he will ever get to know. Ever page and word by the characters is hear wrenching and I found myself literally depressed al day after reading the story. It is just the most tragic thing I have ever read before in life.
I think I can blame these three things for my recent uproar of emotion I have felt lately. I’ve been the in the desperately lonely stage for far too long and it’s getting annoying. I try not to think about it, but it’s just constantly playing over and over in my head like an Akon Record from hell.
I’m so Lonely, I have nobody….
But every time I start to falter on my sanity, somehow my friends manage to bring me back from the brink of complete and utter psychosis. I value them more than I will probably ever be able to tell them. Besides The way I see it, I got a choice. Life either goes on or it doesn’t. It’s up to me.
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